Random Musings #32: A Taurean Bull!
“Never punish yourself for someone else’s mistake!”
This is advice that I dish out, sometimes. When I note that someone I care about is hurting or angry. It is advice that I give myself too. When I am hurting or angry. I know. Easier said than done.
I have loads of patience. And tolerance. I am quite thick skinned. But with a raw nerve or a few. I have a long fuse. But with a potent explosion waiting at the end of the fuse. A typical Taurean bull, is my excuse.
Even if I say it myself, I am also a fairly self-aware person. And harshly self-critical. I do tend to put myself in the shoes of the other person and try and see their perspective. Quite often, most often actually, sooner or later, I realize and accept that I am the source of the issue. And have contributed to it. Or was a catalyst, at least. And feel silly and sheepish about having allowed myself to become angry. The right thing would be to apologize and openly, and I do do this, though I should do it more often.
There are occasions though when one is tested. We are but human and I, for sure, am with my follies, foibles and frailties galore!
It does happen. One feels hurt. Emotions build up. Frustration wells up. Anger simmers. Silence, a tight smile, withdrawal into a shell and for quite a while. Then, an outburst. When least expected. By those at the receiving end. And even more, myself. Ill-timed as well.
Quite often, the issues are small and even frivolous. Other times they are material. When one is not able to see the justification. When words, actions or decisions are based on preconceived notions. Without enough thought. Without consideration of all aspects. When egos and personalities are in play as against the issue on hand. When judgment is passed regardless of or before a case is made or heard. With insufficient or no facts to hand. Without a modicum of fairness. Without a hint of respect. When all logic and empathy is ignored, not even listened to or simply thrown to the winds.
How does one deal with, react or respond to being ‘wronged’?
“To err is human; to forgive, divine”, wrote Alexander Pope back in 1711.
The Bible carries a whole lot of references to ‘turning the other cheek’. Reading up on this, I realized much more than just the ‘cheek’ part.
The phrase ‘turning the other cheek’ originates from the ‘Sermon on the Mount’ in the New Testament. In the Gospel of Mathew Chapter 5, an alternative for “an eye for an eye” is given by Jesus:
“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.”
— Jesus Christ, English Standard Version (Mathew 5:38–42)
The ‘Sermon on the Plain’ in the Gospel of Luke Chapter 6, as part of his command to “love your enemies”, additionally says:
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. … And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”
— Jesus Christ, English Standard Version (Luke 6:27–31)
(credit: Wikipedia)
Mahatma Gandhi famously quoted excerpts from these while practicing his legendary non-violent resistance to the British Colonial rule of India.
What has had even more of an impact on me is something that the celebrated Tamil poet and philosopher Thiruvalluvar wrote some 2000 years ago. He goes one step further. In Thirukkuṟaḷ, a collection of couplets on ethics, politics, economics and even love, in Kural (couplet) # 314, he writes:
“இன்னாசெய் தாரை ஒறுத்தல் அவர்நாண
நன்னயஞ் செய்து விடல்
Innaasey Thaarai Oruththal Avarnaana
Nannayanj Cheydhu Vidal”
G. U Pope’s translation of this is:
“To punish wrong, with kindly benefits the doers’ ply; Thus shame their souls;
But pass the ill unheeded by”
Basically, Thiruvalluvar advocates that one should be very kind with those who do wrong to us. And thus shame them, making them realize the error of their ways.
Honestly, something in this approach appeals to me. It is good for the soul. Even cathartic. One does feel good about oneself, if one is able to do this. Even to the extent possible. Whether or not the other person is shamed into realizing the wrong that they have done. I have consciously attempted this, rarely though. Of course, the wife is quick to point out “Itna bhi mahaan ban ne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai” or “There is no need to try and be a great person”. And she is absolutely right.
Key though I realize, is obtaining a release. And even better, closure. Letting go and not keeping negative feelings, emotions, hurt, frustration or anger bottled up is important. Harboring hate or negative feelings is surely slow poison. It gnaws and eats away one’s core. There is even a school of thought that cancers are caused by bottled up negative feelings.
My way of dealing with, reacting or responding to being ‘wronged’, obtaining the required release and closure is clearly work-in-progress. It is evolving as I evolve. As I continue on the journey to knowing myself better. And will, till the very end.
Meanwhile, please do put up with me. I am, but, just a typical Taurean bull!
